Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Nedávné epizody
560 epizod
‘I’m not going to call you Mister anything,’ I tell the deputy principal, and the boys all stort sniggering
So – yeah, no – the kids are all standing around me in a semi-circle and they’re, like, hanging on my every word. And I’m in my absolute element, of c...
Honor’s date for the debs is a looker. She clearly takes after her old man in that regord
Sorcha is up to pretty much 90. It’s the night of Honor’s debs and we’re all waiting for her date, Iarlaith – yeah, no, a girl – to arrive. Sorcha’s o...
Ronan pours the wine and goes, ‘It’s a surprising little number with notes of candyfloss, anchovies and balsawood’
The street in front of the restaurant is absolutely rammers and I spot quite a few familiar faces – we’re talking former government ministers, we’re t...
‘You were mugged in Dalkey? Things like that don’t happen there’
Sorcha lets out a scream when she sees me. It reminds me of the time during the recession when her BT loyalty cord was downgraded from Platinum to Ele...
‘I didn’t do a tap in school and yet life worked out pretty well for me’
This is me in my absolute element. I’m there, “Rugby is a sport in which you travel forwards by going backwards, in which to succeed is to ‘try’ and i...
‘The old man running a restaurant is like asking me to teach physics through Irish’
Sorcha says she’s delighted for my old man. Yeah, no, as you may or may not have read in the pages of this paper, he and Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara have...
‘Rugby is the best idea we’ve ever come up with as a species,’ I go, channelling Fr Fehily
It’s finally here. A day I’ve dreamt about for, like, 12 years. Brian, Johnny and Leo are storting school in Castlerock College, where their old man f...
Sorcha goes, ‘The Dalkey Lobster Festival is this weekend. How am I going to show my face?’
“I remember when you got your Leaving Cert results,” Sorcha’s old man goes. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of you, Dorling.”
Hosted o...
‘I think you should have a conversation with Honor about her drinking,’ Sorcha goes
So – yeah, no – we’re in the cor, on the way to the airport, to collect Honor, who’s coming home from her Leaving Cert holiday in, believe it or not,...
‘I got thrun out of Amedica,’ Ronan goes. ‘Me visa was revoked’
So I’m walking around town with Ronan and – yeah, no – we’re playing a game we used to play when he was, like, eight years old: when we pass a shop or...
When Honor drops the news, I sit there with my mouth open like someone from Roscommon seeing escalators for the first time
Sorcha tells Honor that she’s leaving it very late.
Honor’s like, “What are you talking about?”
And Sorcha goes, “I’m talking about the de...
The old dear made a seating plan for her own funeral. She didn’t want ugly people in the first three pews
Sorcha says I can’t wear those.
And I’m like, “My Dubes? What’s wrong with my Dubes?”
She goes, “You can’t wear Dubes to a funeral, Ross....
I get this sudden flashback to when I was six or seven and I’d hold the wheel steady for the old dear while she drove home, half-cut
“Okay,” the old man goes, “here’s another one you, Kicker!” because – yeah, no – he’s written a book of his Fifty Years of Letters to The Irish Times,...
The old dear goes, ‘Sorcha? I don’t know anyone of that name. Is she one of your tarts, Ross?’
The room is absolutely rammers and through the door I spot so many faces from the past. We’re talking Angela and Dermot from the campaign to move Fund...
Oisinn goes, ‘Dude, you’re saying goodbye. You do realise that? You’re saying goodbye to your old dear’
“What the fock?” Oisinn goes. “Are you serious?”
I’m there, “Oh, I’m serious all right. I’m as serious as – well, you know what.”
He goes,...
Brett goes, ‘She’s close to the end, Ross. I was thinking we should arrange a living funeral for her’
“He must have been in a fight last night,” Sorcha goes.
And – yeah, no – she’s talking about my brother slash half-brother, Brett.
I’m the...
I’m always telling Sorcha to tone down the southside when we come out to Bray but she never listens
I’m like, “Bray?”
And Sorcha’s there, “Yes, Ross – Bray!”
I’m like, “But why do we have to go to Bray?” sounding like a spoiled child – in...
‘I haven’t really been living before now,’ Brett tells his wife. ‘Ross has slept with more than 800 women’
So it’s, like, ridiculous o’clock on a Saturday morning – we’re talking nine, ten, something like that – and I hear a ring on the front doorbell, foll...
‘I’m not even a bit stressed,’ Honor goes, ‘I haven’t done a focking tap for these exams’
Sorcha thinks we should maybe check on Honor and there’s an air of definite excitement in her voice when she says it? Yeah, no, it’s the night before...
He obviously decided that he’d wasted his life, focusing on career, marriage and family goals
Sorcha tells me that I need to do something and obviously, I’m like, “Er – as in?”
Yeah, no, Angela – the wife of my brother slash half-brother...
We’ve been through so much. I slept with two of JP’s ex-girlfriends, and Christian’s actual mother and even that didn’t break us up
“So this dude here,” Oisinn goes – and he means me, “he tucks the ball under his orm, beats five players and crosses the try-line under the posts. But...
Honor goes, ‘People will talk about my speech for years to come. And that’s just in the libel courts’
My daughter is giving the valedictory at the Mount Anville graduation, and there’s a little something in it for everyone
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Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘My old dear doesn’t have the embarrassment gene. It’s a South Dublin thing’
So – yeah, no – the old dear is in the swimming pool when we rock up to the nursing home, doing her – I don’t know – hydrotherapy exercises? She’s dan...
Honor is staring at Brett like he’s an ATM and she’s sitting in a JCB, trying to work the levers
Brett asks me what she was like when she was younger. I’m like, “Who?” He goes, “Our mother.” And it’s random because I’ve never thought of the old de...
‘That picture The Last Supper is weird. They’re all sitting on the same side of the table’
So – yeah, no – I grab a stick of Heinemite from the fridge and I ask Sorcha, “Who’s the kid in the bow tie?” The reason I ask is because I don’t trus...
Honor goes, ‘I’m editing the school yearbook photographs of anyone who pissed me off’
Honor is sitting at her computer doing fock knows what? Although I’d be shocked if it was homework. I’m there, “Honor, I need you to brace yourself –...
‘Imagine no possessions. I wonder if you can,’ the old dear sings. Her earrings cost more than my cor
She’s sitting in the window of the, whatever you want to call it, nursing home, playing the piano – badly, I might add – and I get a sudden flashback...
‘I most certainly do have an American accent,’ I tell my supposed half-brother. ‘I’m from south Dublin’
For, like, 30 seconds, I’m as quiet as Thomond Pork since 2019 and the dude ends up having to repeat himself.
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Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I hate my children too. Like, how could three kids of mine turn out to be such dicks?’
So it’s, like, Paddy’s Day and me and the goys have arranged to go for our usual walk on Killiney Hill with the kids. They’re already waiting for us i...
Most schools fear Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara like they would a typhoid outbreak
Honor says she’s not worried. She says she couldn’t give two focks. But Sorcha’s like, “Well, you’d better give two focks. This is a serious matter. A...
I’m there to Honor, ‘You’ve never been good at school. I always thought you took after me’
“The fock is this?” I go. Yeah, no, I’m doing the morning school run, crawling up Trees Road in a procession of all-terrain vehicles, like an invading...
‘I haven’t come here today to listen to you badmouth my mother – the axe-faced old trout'
Conor Hession sits on the terrace, nursing a vodka lorge enough to put a grizzly bear to sleep. He’s like, “She was quite the most conniving, the most...
‘My old dear said you had a kid together. Well, I’m its half-brother. Or half-sister if it’s a girl’
Sorcha rings me and there’s an air of, like, panic in her voice? She goes, “Ross, where are you?” Yeah, no, we’re in Portugal for midterm – along with...
‘Only cheat with someone who’s married. It’s the principle of mutually assured destruction’
Sorcha goes, “This is exciting, isn’t it, Ross?” because – yeah, no – we’re having dinner in Iguazu, a new hipster restaurant on Camden Street, where...
‘I strip down to my boxers. I can always drive home commando. Wouldn’t be the first time’
Dalisay says she’s in the pool. I’m like, “The pool?” “Yes,” she goes. “Your mother likes to swim every morning. Would you like to see her?” I’m there...
When Ronan was 10, I said, ‘I need to have the chat with you about sex.’ And he said, ‘What are you wanting to know, Rosser?’
The Broken Orms is absolutely packed to the rafters for the engagement porty of Tina, the mother of my firstborn, to Tom, her fireman boyfriend, who f...
The dude goes, ‘The famous Rosser, what?’ looking me over like I’m a buffet item gone cold
So – yeah, no – I’m in Dunnes Stores in, like, the Stephen’s Green Shopping Centre, grabbing a few bits for Sorcha, who’s making a special dinner toni...
‘You wouldn’t last one day as a girl,’ Honor tells me
Honor walks through the arrivals gate with a face as long as a wet weekend in Knock and I take it as read that the week in St Moritz was a bit of a le...
‘You’re both loved and feared, Honor – and I’m so proud’
It would be an understatement to say that Honor was never the most popular girl growing up. As a matter of fact, on the very rare occasions when she w...
‘Why do you want to go disinterring the past, Ross?’
The old man and Hennessy look a total state in their chef’s uniforms. Yeah, no, they’ve invited us all around to the old pair’s gaff for a New Year’s...